Susan

A formation made from asterisks and hyphens which looked something like a heart. How I loathe SMS forwards. Especially this kind from unknown numbers. "This is the holy symbol of eternal love. Send this to 20 people and if more than 12 return the message, a big surprise awaits you this valentines." Everyday promptly I get 10 missed calls, 10 forwards and 5 messages which have my name written in various patterns. The sender's pen name is Kiccha, inspired by one of Sudeep's rowdy flick. The idiot cannot even stalk in style. I wanted to reply with a formation of my hand showing three without the thumb and little finger with the READ IN BETWEEN THE LINES. I think I try to act too mature for my age at times, but then the corny valentine hot air is really not my type. Some girls in my hostel actually fast for their prospective grooms and I roll my eyes.

Weary of having received the same message for the sixth time, I put on the pod for some solace. It is commendable how my father parts with his stuff everytime, in spite of the recent phone dropping from 7th floor incident. Playing:Suzanna-Art company. My mind drifted.

To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind. So is procastination. But I had a valid reason this time. I was done with Pharmacology for life. Couple of days more and I wouldn't have to read the ballistics crap also every again. Rumours were spreading full fledged about half the batch failing in Forensic thory. But I was too high to worry about anything.

Strange turn of things had got me into the situation. I was gasping for air in the dimly lit, oxygen devoid, claustrophobic, dingy telephone booth.

I needed a gift to be delivered in the US the next day. Being the last minute person that I always am, I was getting flustered too easily. It was a simple task. I had chosen the stuff. I had my sister's credit card. All I had to do was fill up the details online. This blog is about my shopping experience. So no points for guessing how badly I messed up. I had liked 2 things from 2 different categories. No problem with the first one, but the second would reach 3 days later. That was the earliest shipping date. I wanted both to get delivered together at the earliest. I decided to call up the store and find out if anything could be done aobut it and thus began the merry-go-round. Since I had called up anyway, I wanted to place the order over the phone. Probably because it was my first time at e-shopping, talking over telephone felt more secure.

G for George. A for America.. USA? yes, i mean no.. only A of USA.. yes America. U for ugly.. ugly.. No forget it. U for USA. R for Robert.. yeah ok robber I for indigo.. No not San diego.. The colour.. Yes the one that looks like blue.. yes, indigo. I shouted on the phone, words coming from my mouth at the rate of 2/minute.

I could follow nothing of her accent and vice versa. Basically I had to split every word I uttered. The thought of having to make her note down my sister's complicated typically south Indian multi syllabic surname made me perspire. Meanwhile the call got cut thrice. I was desperate to get my work done. I did not even consider the possibilities. I kept calling back. She actually found the whole thing funny. She kept hanging up to avoid me from hearing the laughter. She even smirked loudly when I told her what message had to be written in the personalised card. It was almost getting over. She only had to tell me the confirmation number. I waited with forced calmness as she shared a giggle with a colleague when I asked her to repeat. She acted like I was an illiterate from some third world country, wasting her time. BITCH!

I restrained from swearing audibly. I believe it is an incompetent vocabulary which makes one use foul language. It is an insult to your intelligence. In the midst of noting down the last detail, she hung up again. I lost it then.

It was supposedly too much for her to take. Susan had asked a co worker to answer for her. It was Andrew this time. I quietly noted my number. After I made sure I had nothing else to ask from them, I started. "What is she so proud of? Being unintelligible? You get paid because of us. Who is doing whom a favour here? This call has costed me 400 rupees so far. Does the haughty missy know conversion? Let's see if she can tell how many dollars that makes. If you cannot follow foreign accents and dialects, put it on big bold lettters on your site and stop making lengthy speeches about customer service. I'm going to be a doctor and I have better things to tackle than impolite, airheaded blondes." I banged the receiver. After 25 minutes, 450 rupees, spelling tests and all my enduring I laughed. For a whole minute. Out of relief, for getting a vent for the frustration, for finding the situation amusing. I am going to be a doctor, I repeated in the same tone and laughed some more. This time at myself.

I wrote to the manager in detail about what happened. I wrote her full name, counter number, time of call, item code, confirmation number and emailed the complaint. I hoped strongly for 50% abatement or an email saying she is fired. However I just got an apology. Atleast the stuff got delivered.

So sometime when you are really bored and you have some cash, visit gifttree.com for numbers. Cat fights can be a lot of fun.

PS: This piece is dedicated to the chilled out CSB who endured the craziness, called me a sport and made the process enjoyable.